Recently, the fight for equality for
same-sex couples has brought up an unresolved issue. Are gay families harmful
to children? Unless you are a religious person or you feel morally wronged by
homosexuals, the consensus is no. Homosexual parents are no worse than
heterosexual parents. In most cases, homosexuals are even better parents than
heterosexuals. The biggest argument for that is that unlike heterosexual beings
who can procreate just by forgetting to use a condom, homosexuals have to plan
and go through a legal process to either adopt a child or use in vitro. Meaning
in all cases of homosexual parenting, the child was wanted and thoroughly
planned for. How often can you say that happens for heterosexuals? As a product
of a missed birth control pill, I have gone through more emotional trauma than
most wanted children.
One
argument that has been thrown around quite a bit is that gay parents create gay
children. Pause and take a step back to think about this. Gay parents create
gay children…just like straight parents create straight children right? If
that’s the case then it is safe to assume that either everybody in the world is
straight and every single queer is an acting genius or everybody in the world
is gay and they just don’t realize it yet. Common sense is not so much a common
trait anymore. I am as queer as a three dollar bill and my father is a
homophobic heterosexual. When I have children eventually, I will not force them
to be gay and I won’t force them to be straight. Learning to accept who your
children are instead forcing them to be a preconceived notion in your head is
the first step to being a real parent. If my son came up to me one day and said
he wanted to wear all pink to school, then by a man I don’t believe in (God), I
would let him. To force a child into something they are not is to destroy their
individuality, their humanity. In most instances a parent is trying to do what
is best for their child but what they do not understand is that maybe what you
think is best is not the same as what the child needs. “A lot of parents will
do anything for their kids, except let them be themselves” (Banksy).
The next argument conservatives run to is their newfound belief that children
need both a father and a mother. I don’t seem to recall this coming up when
women or men become widows, one parent leaves the family inexplicably, single parents,
and teenage mothers. In fact, today we glorify teenage pregnancy with ‘reality’
television shows. Most single parents have to take up both roles as mother and
father and that does not mean the child turns out wrong. Society has stigmatized
that the father is the strong hand and the mother is the soft, caretaker for
the child. Surprisingly what conservatives seem to not realize is humans can
adapt relatively well to any changes to their ‘normal’. A woman becomes the
authority for her child as well as the nurturer after her male counterpart
either dies or leaves. A man can change to become the shoulder his daughter
needs to cry on and still be the father to protect her in a harmful situation.
Just because a person is homosexual does not make that any different. Instead
of having one dad to cling too, now the child has two protectors ready to
defend her at any cost. It matters not what your gender is or your sexual
preference but whether you are willing to be everything your child needs.
Children are not born with notions of social norms. They are born with the need
for unconditional love and a pillar to support them. Any good parent will be
just that for them no matter if they are heterosexual or homosexual.
Of all the different oppositions to gay
marriages and gay families, the ability for homosexuals to reproduce offspring
is the most contradictory. The anti-gay groups are trying to invalidate
homosexual marriages all because they cannot procreate a child of their own
given meaning to said marriages. By doing this they also directly attack any
families, such as former Governor Mitt Romney’s Sons’ family, who could not conceive
by natural means. They attack families who have had to adopt children, like
Chief Justice Roberts, claiming that adoption is second best. Almost saying
that adoptive children are close to second class citizens. A majority of
families that had to adopt were either infertile or sterile. So by denying
homosexuals the right to marry based on the ability to conceive, would be to
deny any adoptive family or foster family their marriage as well. On the same
note, what does one consider in vitro fertilization to be? The procedure uses
donated sperm to create life in the womb of a woman. It is not a natural way to
conceive but is widely used among couples who, for some reason or another,
cannot conceive on their own. Are they being discredited as bad parents
unworthy of the title as married couple because they could not conceive naturally?
In the end how does all of this affect the child or children in question? It
can be assumed that the children being adopted are quite exultant about getting
out of the social system and into a home that can love and care for them
properly and children conceived through in vitro would not go through the
social stigma of being adopted (adoption bringing a psychological aspect
because the child had to go through being abandoned by their biological
family).
On the
same line of thought, how are children with gay parents worse off than children
with divorced parents? The answer is, they are not. Study after study (mostly
done in the 1990’s) prove that children suffer psychologically worse than most
other children. They suffer abandonment issues along with placing the blame of
their parents’ divorce on their shoulders. More often than not, the parents
pressure the child into choosing sides, or blaming the child for their ruined
marriage. So explain how homosexual parents are worse than divorced parents? In
ALL cases of homosexual families the child was always chosen and planned for. If
a homosexual couple didn’t want to stay in a relationship for the rest of their
life they would not bring a child into that relationship. In one case, a
homosexual couple started the process to adopt but ended up not agreeing with
each other so much that they called it off before it was too late (From ‘I do’ to ‘I’m done’, Nymag).
How are
children with gay parents different with those that have straight parents?
Essentially, there is absolutely no difference. Once you start getting down to
the grit of it though it seems that children with gay parents tend to turn out
far more successful and psychologically better than those with straight
parents. Gay parents do not force their child to their specific point of view
(or sexual preferences. Children with gay parents tend to be heterosexual more
often than not) nor do they limit them to doing what the social normal for
their gender. Kids are not regulated to just ‘boy-things’ or just ‘girl-things’.
“They are more self-aware, more adept
at communicating their feelings, and exhibit more empathy for people different
from themselves. They learn early how to negotiate the outside environment,
gauge other people's motives, and assess how open they dare to be in specific
situations. They are strong. In my work, I routinely saw how, with enough
support from their families, children of gay parents developed skills at
thinking independently and standing up for what they believed which
distinguished them from many children with straight parents. In my study boys
of two-moms families spent more time with a parent than the boys of mom and dad
couples who more readily relegated childcare responsibilities to babysitters.”**
In the end, all the really matters
when it comes to being a family is how well you raise them. No matter if you
are gay straight or transgender, if you can love your child unconditionally and
take care of them than you have every right to the child and that family.
“Many
studies have demonstrated that children’s well-being is affected much more by
their relationships with their parents, their parents’ sense of competence and
security, and the presence of social and economic support for the family than
by the gender or the sexual orientation of their parents,”*** (Siegel)
